I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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