She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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