so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I love you.
Bad choice
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