a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
