I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
