Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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