having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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