New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
