I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
