Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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