sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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