I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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