I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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