She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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