im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
