I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize