Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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