he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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