You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
