WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
