apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
