Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
