I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
