dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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