How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
