You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
