So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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