I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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