Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
