seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
