You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
