I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize