Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
