i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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