are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize