You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
