I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize