the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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