I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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