You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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