i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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