Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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