I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
