Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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