Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize