I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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