someone threw a dead crab at me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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