you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There was a lot of him and a little penis
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
