One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
