i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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