I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
