Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
