good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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