Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
