I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
