We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Someone signed my nipple.
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