I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
