I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
