you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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