so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
