Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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