I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
