I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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