Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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