My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
