EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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