If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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