Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
