i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
