i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
